Copy of a post from my "regular" blog - comment follows.

Copy of a post from my "regular" blog - comment follows.

Remember the uberlist?

The giant list of goals I used make annually? I think I started in 2005 with "105 for 05." In the beginning there was a LiveJournal group who made a list and blogged about the results each year. Eventually that faded away and I was the only remaining uberlister, so I brought it home to Joy in the Journey. I think uberlisting was good for me in one sense. It helped me to realize that even if I don't accomplish every goal or cross every item off my list I am still a good person! With that said, however, I do want to make a small list of goals I would like to achieve during this last quarter of the year:
1) Read a book each week.
2) Faithfully attend my Life Coaching Sessions with Christine and work diligently and whole-heartedly to learn about and begin the processes necessary for a life transformation.
3) Sugar only once a week.
4) French fries only once a week.
5) NO. MORE. SODA. I have 2-3 cans of Ginger Ale and I will keep those on hand in case of a sick day/glucose crash, but that is the only approved use.
6) Meatless (yet high protein) Mondays.
7) Knit enough hats to have 10 complete by Christmas.
8) Minimum of 300 minutes of intentional movement each month.
9) Pay off the IMA bill, find a new doctor and have an appointment.
10) Blog at least once a week in at least one of the three blogs.

What this is going to boil down to is less computer time, less Buffy and Angel and more of what life used to be before Facebook and Netflix. The intentional movement is truly a minimum. I actually hope to accomplish more than that. I am taking my chronic conditions, which have actually become quite acute lately, into account and hoping that unless it is a sick in bed day I can accomplish at least 10 minutes.

Woot!

A day in which Hope entered once again the swimming pool and recorded her movement in the form of meterage (not up to mileage yet) in addition to minutes. Unfortunately the meters were only 500. I think I did more than that when I first started in March! I am trying to remember that I have been ILL and not absorbing any nutrients for several months. I have certainly started absorbing NOW. I've already gained weight since I started retaining food. Now I won't be able to eat anything I want and still lose weight. Back to portion control! Back to low carbs! For the past few months I was happy when I could eat anything and not get sick. In a way that was nice, even though I know deep inside that wasn't really healthy.

My goal was 300 minutes of activity in the month. I really recognized that I am starting all over again. I have 215 so far. So I need 85 minutes in the next two days! I actually think I did some that I didn't record so I will give myself a break if I don't quite make it. Gillian is going swimming with me tomorrow so that makes me committed for sure! I hope I can get 1000 meters tomorrow, but I will not freak out is I don't!

The numbers game...

I haven't written much and part of the reason is guilt. I haven't been swimming. It's logical - my IBS has been acting up. The first time I noted "Upset stomach" on my calendar was June 16. It has been frequent if not constant since then. the last time I swam was June 19. I don't want to be too graphic, except I will note that it's not prudent for a person to swim in a public pool when he or she is suffering my main symptom of IBS. I blame the flare-up on anxiety. The stress of the preparation for Mom and Dad's Anniversary Party and the mess it made in my house - which is still here - made for a whacky mind. Throw in there Michael living at home, special projects at work, financial stress.... oh, and also LOTS of significant insomnia, which is why I am going to just post some numbers now and then stop for the night. I have on my list to go to bed by midnight. It's 11:44 now and I still have other items of significant importance on the list that I'd like to complete before said going to bed. I'll be lucky to make it by 12:30.

June -
Tested glucose 26 times
Lowest AM 110
Highest AM 145
Average AM 125
Lowest overall 109
Highest overall 165
Average 130
Swam six times for total of 15,600 meters.

July-
Tested glucose27 times
Lowest AM 99
Highest AM 136
Average AM 117
Lowest Overall 88
Highest Overall 157
Average 121

My weight has been either stable or decreasing slightly. Part of my stress is that my edema has been significantly worse again. So much that I have often take THREE Lasex to keep it down. I got down as low as 191, which is only a pound off of where I was two years ago, before I gained it back last year while I was having my nervous breakdown and comforting myself with Arni's pizza. I went ahead and measure my waist last night. It is half an inch smaller than it was when I measured it at 190. I have been able to get out some of the clothes that are either smaller sized or that I had altered back then. I must be losing the weight in a different pattern than before, however, as not all of them fit quite yet. I attribute that to either the swimming or because my skin is looser and falling strangely in different places. Dr. Weiler said at time that she is pretty sure I will have to have a tummy tuck when I reach my ideal weight. It's looking like she was right on the button. Ugh. It grosses me out. Losing weight = good - better health, I know. Honestly, however, I think my fear of that surgery might be one of the underlying factors that make me lean toward unhealthy eating and movement decisions. I know it would be a long way off, even if I consistently lose two or three pounds a week, but the fear is lurking.... lurking....

Goals for August:
Test at least 30 times
Swim at least eight times (I may have to really look for a few good days, as far as the stomach goes)
Also, I want to get air in my bike tires, give it a short whirl and see how it feels on the knee.

3000

My goal was to be able to swim 2800 meters in a session by the end of the month. I did 3000 tonight. I found that by doing a thousand, then resting 5 minutes and then doing another set I actually do more meters faster than if I swim without resting. I am up to half breast stroke and half freestyle. In the beginning I was worried that the rotation of the breast stroke kick would be painful to my knee. Instead I find that the flutter kick is actually more difficult. Also the freestyle is much more challenging to my cardiovascular system. Right now I just do alternating fifties of the two strokes. I'd like to keep adding more freestyle until my knee is stronger and my breathing is more efficient. Right now I can easily breathe every three strokes, but when I go for five it is very challenging. I would also like to get to flip turns. Right now I don't have the confidence that I have enough air to complete a turn without drowning myself.

My goal was to swim 15 times this month. Tonight was only #5. The next two weeks there are going to be days where I am going to have to swim consecutive days in order to achieve that goal. I may have to cut the distance a little bit so I don't strain the knee. If I do have to cut the distance I plan to work on my breathing and start working on the 5 stroke intervals.

I am still hovering around the same weight. My morning weight tends to bounce between 194 and 197. The day I hit 190.0 or less I am going to measure my belly. That is the weight I was when I last measured it. I had gone from around 220 to the 190 and lost three inches on the waist. I think I recall now that it was 48 inches after the loss. A woman's waist is supposed to be 35 or less to be considered healthy. I wonder how much weight I will have to lose to meet that. The last weight I felt really healthy at was 180, but I think this time I am going to have to go lower to achieve the same level of health. I got older plus it is since that time that I have been diagnosed with all these lovely afflictions.

I decided to quit Dr. Andry. I called the pharmacy and told them to take all my meds off auto-refill. That way they won't call him when the refills run out. I think I have enough meds and refills to make it for a while. I scheduled an appointment with a potential new doctor in the beginning of August. She is a DO and specializes in women's health and chronic disease management - sound like anybody you know? She looks about the same age as my daughter - eek! I am getting so freaking old!

I'm still fighting MAJOR fatigue and sleep delay and disruption. I think I slept about three hours last night, worked an eight hour day, ran errands on my lunch, went and looked at a house for a friend, swam 3000 meters, went by contra dance to pay some money to my web developer, came home and posted all the photos of the house for Shannon, made some lists for Michael, and I could easily stay up another three hours, despite taking a few little blue pills an hour ago. I am going to get away from this sleep-depriving trap and let a movie remove my mind from reality and sleeeeep, sleeeep. I may get five whole hours! Woo hoo! Of course I still need to unload and reload my gym bag if I am going to swim tomorrow. That's part of the pain of swimming instead of walking... special clothes and equipment, blah, blah, blah...

I feel good about the progress I have made. Thank you, Sirpa, with all my heart for getting me kick started in my swimming. It is just another way you have made an amazingly wonderful difference in my life. I love you!

May summary...kind of sucky.

I was kind of sucky in May. It is an example of a month where I did not make the choices I knew I should and I don't know why. I only swam 6 times. I ate too many carbs. I only tested my glucose 27 times over the entire month. I think partially it was physically based. My foot started swelling again and in addition to the swelling I had a lot of just plain foot pain. I remember one night I totally planned to swim. As I started to walk to the car my feet hurt so badly that even though I knew if I swam I would feel better, the idea of walking across the parking lot and into the YMCA almost made me cry. I just came home and went right to bed.

Michael moved home from the dorm. That has been slightly upsetting to me. Part of me loves having him around and part of me resents so many thing he does or in some cases does NOT do. I am used to living alone now. I don't always keep the house clean, but when it is messy I know it is MY mess and the only person I can be upset with is ME. Instead I come home to a kitchen counter with onion peels on it I swear EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. DAY! The trash can is RIGHT THERE!!! All he has to do is pull it out and swipe the onion peels into it. If he feels we should be composting, then get out a container and at least collect the damn things - don't leave them all over my counter! So then I get emotionally upset over shit like that and I want to escape through mindless internet play, watching stuff, and sleep, beautiful sleep.

Sleep, beautiful sleep...I have been trying to have to take fewer pills to facilitate sleeping. Sometimes I just go to sleep and it's amazing...but then I will wake up about two hours later - and my body thinks it's been a really great power nap and now I can stay up until three or four o'clock. Sigh...

I am trying to prepare a special gift for my parents' sixtieth anniversary. It's involving lots of photo sorting and scanning. Sometimes I will get started on a part of it and obsess for hours and that is what will keep me up until three or four.

I've decided I need to switch doctors. I have loved Dr. Andry for the past couple of years. I have always been a little wary of how many medicines he prescribed. I justified it a lot with, "Well he HAS helped me lose a lot of weight." and "I DO have several chronic conditions." I found out, however he is associated with a program that is very distasteful to me and sounds like a fat farm that is one of those places we get warned about! Here is his regular website: http://andrymedicalservices.com/index.htm If you click on the "medical website" link, however, it takes you here: http://www.agelessmedicineservices.com/ Ummm, no. I have done some searching for a new doctor or NP, but the biggest medical group in town, has not updated their website for two years! I've called the numbers listed for some of the providers who sound good and been told they've switched offices, quit practicing Primary care, moved out of town, etc....It's really frustrating. PLUS you can really only make those calls during the day and I am at work, have a job like a real person! At this point I kind of feel like I will just keep taking meds until all the refills are out and THEN search for a new doc/NP and start fresh.

I did keep my numbers in May, and glucose is up a little bit. I've set a goal to swim at least 15 times in June. I'm hoping that will help the overall picture. We shall see...
Average fasting glucose: 128
Average glucose: 136
Lowest fasting: 109
Highest Fasting:135
Lowest overall: 89
Highest overall: 198

Activity: swam a total of 13,600 meters in six sessions.

Weight - I recorded my weight on May 1 as 197.4. I think it is still around that. It's been hard to tell, however because the water weight of the foot swelling again makes actual weight a moot point. I do feel like I have toned some and I have lost some around the waist. I have to keep "hitching up" my underwear all day long. I have also been able to get out a couple of the items I had altered or bought when I had lost that 30 pound a couple of years ago and they fit pretty well - maybe a little gap or funny wrinkle here or there, but nothing gross ( I hope). I told myself I would measure my waist again when I hit 190, but I may do it sooner, just to test the theory. I'm kind of sad because the online weight loss group that had formed among friends a couple of years ago has gone kaput and that is where I had recorded my measurements. I'm pretty sure I remember my waist, but I don't want to say it right now! So much for brutally honest!

In going through all the pictures of me I found a couple that show me at what I think was my highest weight ever. Emily has one marked on the back August 2000. So that was before I lost the 52 pounds, gained back 35, lost another 30, gained back 20.... at least I am STILL 35 pounds light than I was then! Now to get it off and KEEP it off.

SO Goals for June are: swim at least 15 times - work up to 2800 meter sessions by the end of the month. Test glucose at least 60 times through the month. Keep researching for new primary health care provider.

The end.

Stuff I wrote elsewhere...

but I feel is relevant here. I wrote these paragraphs in response to a message and a FB post of a friend who shall remain anonymous, unless she should choose to come forward. I feel that they express well some of the thinking I have or am trying to reinforce about my weight and my health:

I was "good" all day, and then ate a plate of cheese fries tonight. As Scarlett says, "Fiddle dee dee, tomorrow is another day!" We'll just keep on pluggin'. Remember that one day won't do you in forever, it's the entire picture that counts. So just let today go. If there is stuff left over and you want to make sure you don't eat it, take it to work tomorrow to share or dump it in the garbage right now and throw some yucky trash on top of it. We think of doing something like that as "wasteful" but it is really more wasteful to eat it when we don't need it or to eat it and spend emotional energy punishing ourselves for it. The mantra for tonight is, "Let it go. Let it go. Let it go..." and I DON'T mean by taking a laxative!

It is being HEALTHY that is important. Some people can be healthy and still be "overweight" or even "obese" according to BMI. It is important to look at your entire health picture, however. Diabetes? High Blood pressure? High Cholesterol? Blocked arteries? Limited mobility? Low energy? No sexual desire? If your weight is affecting your health by contributing to symptoms/diseases, then it needs to be changed. That is why my weight is an important factor in my health... Even though by some standards I am considered morbidly obese my cholesterol is 140, probably because I eat mostly whole grains and very few trans fats. However, my blood glucose could be under much better control at a lower weight. remember to look at the big picture of your health and not one little item at a time. My chiropractor, whom I love, told me not to make any changes that I cannot make for my entire lifetime. For me, I could NEVER say, "I will never eat french fries again." I CAN say, "I will limit fries to once a week, in a controlled portion." Tonight was french fry night and they were covered in melted cheddar and bacon bits - DELISH! I just know it won't happen again for a while...

And I am losing weight. It's not 3, 5 , 7, 10 pounds a week like on "The Biggest Loser." It's a quarter of a pound a half a pound, little tiny bits at a time. Sometimes it's unmeasurable because of my edema and I don't know what is water and what is really fat, but I am going to just keep trying my little bits at a time.

A week, a week, a week!

I haven't gone swimming since last Wednesday! I was comfortably up to 2100 meters. The goal is to add 100 meters per week until I am at 2400 meters by the end of May. I feel like everything has gone haywire. I finally had the car repaired. I had another special project at work, Last Monday I was so sick I only worked until about 2:30 and then left for the rest of the day - pukey/bad stomach again. We also started another special sales project and I work really hard on those. I got a late start because of being sick Monday, and also knew I was going on vacation this week and would miss time selling on the final deadline day (Monday) and would also have to trust somebody else to cover for me and proof my ads before printing... all really, really difficult things.

So Friday - I didn't swim because I went on a GREAT Girls' Night Out, which was probably just as important - we had dinner and then shopped a little and then all went to Michael's gig. Saturday I can't remember why except maybe I was just in ultimate amounts of pain from too much sitting on Friday. Sunday I planned to go, but I went to work and cleaned off my desk and did everything I could to finish the paperwork for my sales, and then made a list for my manager of what needed to still be done. Michael and I went out to dinner after that and I ate an entire plate of food, which I don't DO anymore. So of course then I came home and spent a lot of time reading "Dune" - multi-tasking, if you get the drift...

Then this yesterday and today I have been a wreck, crying all the time, sleeping eating wrong things at the wrong time. I think part of it is hormonal. (If any men are reading this you need to understand that you are NEVER, EVER allowed to suggest this possibility to a woman. ONLY women are allowed to introduce the idea that our behavior and reactions may be influenced by hormones). I have been crying frequently and all I want to do is lie on the futon and watch episode after episode of Glee and The Office.

Today I even made a list that included swimming and going to get my Driver's License changed and other practical things to get me out of the house - nope.

I had thought Michael and I would actually go somewhere, maybe somewhere NICE on this vacation. I really want to go to Taliesin, in Wisconsin and go on the big tour. It turned out, however that once I sat down at the computer and actually paid the house payment, telephone and student loan (I don't want to talk about why I still have a student loan), that there is no "extra" money, yea verily, hardly enough money. SO, we are going to go to Lafayette Thursday and visit Mom and Dad. We will drive back to Indianapolis in the evening and take Mom with us and go see my sister's choir spring show. We'll abandon Mom in Indy and leave her to her own devices to get back to Lafayette. That may be the highlight of our big vacation!

I burned my finger last night and it hurts badly. My feet are swollen again (the swimming has helped - I think this recurrence is proof), and I have been living on painkillers for a couple of days. I probably ought to be taking anti-anxiety drugs as well, but have refrained so far, except at bedtime.

Tomorrow I hope to have a tear-free day, an exercise day, a get something done day, a NOT three bowls of ice cream day. Wish me strength and peace as I strive to make the choices I know are correct.

Confession

I just ate two pieces of SUPREME pizza and three bread sticks and dip while watching "The Biggest Loser." I'm pretty sure it is emotional eating - pure rebellion. One of the first things I did after Michael moved out was ordered a pizza with meat. Tonight when I was REALLY hungry I felt almost panicked like, "I need to get pizza with meat before Michael moves back in!" The funny thing is that REALLY the bread sticks and cheese are my favorite part! I really don't care what kind of pizza he gets, as long as I get bread sticks. So why do I feel so stinking rebellious?

H Two, Oh, Oh, Oh!

As in, I've been swimming. I started in March but only went once or twice. The first time I swam in April was on the 4th and I did 1600 meters. Part of that was kicking because my lungs needed a little break. By the 13th I had worked up to 2000 meters, and much less of it was kicking. I decided to stick with 2000 through the end of the month rather than try to increase the length. I still want to make sure not to do any further damage to my knee. My general pattern in the beginning was to breast stroke 75 meters, then freestyle (crawl) 25, repeat... I have gradually increased the amount of freestyle. It is more difficult for me aerobically, so I want to keep working on it to increase my cardiovascular health. Today I did the 75/25 for the first 1000 meters, then 25/25 for 900 meters, then the last 100 meters did the 75/25 again. No kicking involved, straight swimming only. I plan to add 100 meters a week through May so to be at 2400 meters a session by the end of May. A couple of weeks in April I have only gone twice during the week. I would like my frequency to increase to at least three or four times weekly. I'd also like to get some weight resistance exercise in a couple of times a week. May maybe a little difficult for that because I am taking a week's vacation (woot!), but I think I have found a campground with some flat, easy trails that I hope to be able to do without making the knee too sore.

I know I have lost some more weight in April. My morning weights are usually under 200 and it has been as low as 196. My leg started swelling again last week, however, so now I don't know what my true weight is.

Here are the blood glucose numbers:
March: April:
Lowest AM: 103 Lowest AM: 108
Highest AM: 157 Highest AM: 148
Average AM: 133 Average AM: 123
Lowest: 94 Lowest: 92
Highest: 197 Highest: 187
Overall Average: 133 Overall average: 131
# of times tested: 55 # of times tested: 57

I feel like the important points on the numbers are that the average AM has decreased, the highest (at least tested highest) has decreased, and the overall average has decreased - even though it's only a couple of points.

I am still having a lot of trouble with insomnia - note that I began this post at 4am something... and that I had only slept a couple of hours prior to that. I've taken some lovely medicine that ought to put me back to sleep soon. Because tomorrow is Sunday, I ought to be okay with that, except I have a cheesecake to finish topping, box and deliver, and I'd like to swim again. I didn't expect insomnia because yesterday I worked on the housecleaning, put away all the extra dishes from Easter, did three loads of laundry, swam 2000 meters, made a trip to the grocery, cleaned out the car, baked a cheesecake... a pretty active day so that's kind of frustrating! I will try, once I get up - I hope I get a few hours sleep now - to stay active all day. I hope to be able to go to bed at a "normal" (for me) time, and get at least five or six hours before it's back to work. I swear sitting at a desk and pretending to be nice all day is more exhausting than all the stuff I did today! So - a drink of water and then back to bed and we will see what happens!

Goodnight!

Hi, My name is Hope and I'm a Fataholic.

This is me, April 25, 2011. I decided if all those people on The Biggest Loser can go on national TV and show their fat to the world, so can I. Everybody knows it's there, even if it is usually hidden beneath clothes! I am just under 200 pounds right now. My highest weight ever has been 234. A few years ago I felt really good around 180 - that was the year I hiked to the top of Mt. Timpanogos, although I just barely made it. A number I keep in my head for weight is always 150. I don't really care if that is exactly where I get. I just need to be able to walk without pain, work without pain, not take a gazillion kinds of medicine, be able to sleep an appropriate amount and feel good about myself. If that happens at 180 again, fine. If I find I really need to keep going I will. I think I will know when I get there.

"Hi, Hope!" the group replies.

I've decided to begin a new blog where my sole issue will be fat, weight, obesity, chubby, spare tires, plump, fluffy, heavy, and all things associated with it; meaning physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and other aspects that I decide are relevant... This will be pretty much a private blog. If you are here, it is because I told you about it. That means I think you might be interested either just because you love me and care about the issues I face or maybe because I know or suspect you have similar issues with health, weight, and as above, all things relevant. I don't need it to be so private that you don't tell anybody. If you know a person who might be interested, please feel free to tell them and give the address with one MAJOR exception. I do not want my mother to know. So this is one of my first emotional issues I will address briefly.

I am hesitant for my mother to know my honest feelings about my fat. One reason is because I do blame my parents, our family situation and just stuff that happened for my addiction to fat. A second reason is because she still pesters me about my weight and I am angry, like Edward in Pretty Woman, "It took me twenty thousand dollars worth of therapy to learn to say that; 'I am ANGRY with my father.'" It wasn't twenty thousand dollars for me, but probably several thousand, and a long string of in and out with different therapists over the years.

Why "Fataholic?" Why not chocoholic, or foodaholic or watching TVaholic or Big Macaholic (Mmmm, Big Mac!)? All those things are probably part of it - well maybe Facebookaholic more than TV these days. Because honestly, no matter how many times I may have joked about those sorts of things (mostly chocolate), they are not true. It's four months after Christmas and I still have Christmas chocolate sitting in open dishes around my house. I've made dozens of truffles in the past week and really didn't eat any until yesterday and STILL haven't tasted the mocha, the mint or the butter rum! If I had made peanut butter truffles I probably would have eaten more, but NOT because I'm addicted, just because I like them and would have chosen to eat them. I say Fataholic because somewhere deep inside of me every aspect of my being in all the realms I named above seeks to be fat. I have incredible knowledge about nutrition, exercise, food value and the importance of physical movement in life and the quest for good health. EVERY DAY, however, I make choices that continue to make me either stay fat or get fatter. It's time to explore why. I am choosing to do it not in therapy with a counselor this time, but in the way that I am able to be the most honest and revealing - writing.

Ironically, or maybe not ironically, maybe it makes the most sense, I am choosing this when I am in a current trend of resurrecting my health, a return to activity, a desire to control my chronic pain and my diabetes, and a desire to use my knowledge of nutrition and the importance of whole foods to my own advantage. I don't want to be fat. If I were really in a twelve step program (and there is one called "Overeaters Anonymous") I would have to admit that I am a Fataholic and have no control, that I have to give that up to a "Higher Power." Although I have coined a word (or maybe not), with the -aholic suffix, I don't really feel that twelve steps is right for me. Who knows? Maybe I will discover that it really is. Maybe I will invent my own steps. Maybe there will NO steps. Whatever the realizations and the methods turn out to be. I want for myself physical health, emotional and mental health and a sense of well-being and security and BALANCE (I think that will be a key word for me!) in all things.

I may post about nutrition one day. I may post my weight some days. I may log my foods some days. I may talk about illness or disease and pain management. I may whine if I don't feel well. I may celebrate if I achieve a goal. I may complain about people. I don't have a plan for this, except to let it evolve as it feels right. Welcome to evolution in the works!

One more thing tonight. Why do I say "fat?" why not one of those cutesy words above? My least favorite cutesy word is "Fluffy" - makes me want to puke! "Overweight" is my least favorite probably-politcally-correct word. Over what weight? The weight with the perfect BMI? Over regular and not plus size clothing weight? Over fashion model acceptable weight? FAT is a description. OVERWEIGHT is a judgment!

I hope to write often. It probably won't be daily. I do still want to keep my other blog about other issues. I still want to play Scrabble and Lexulous. Shyly admitting I still want to play Bejeweled! I still want to watch endless episodes of The Office and then maybe watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer all over again. And dammit, if I didn't have to work that damn job and pay all these crazy bills maybe I'd have more time for all of that!

Also, feel free to comment. I LURVE comments on anything I write. If you disagree, if you want to tell a story of your own, if you want to shout, "hear! hear!" if you want to tell me I am incorrect on a nutrition or exercise fact, if you want to point out an article - GO FOR IT! It can only help me grow and learn and love and feel loved, and that's what this is all about.