Stuff I wrote elsewhere...

but I feel is relevant here. I wrote these paragraphs in response to a message and a FB post of a friend who shall remain anonymous, unless she should choose to come forward. I feel that they express well some of the thinking I have or am trying to reinforce about my weight and my health:

I was "good" all day, and then ate a plate of cheese fries tonight. As Scarlett says, "Fiddle dee dee, tomorrow is another day!" We'll just keep on pluggin'. Remember that one day won't do you in forever, it's the entire picture that counts. So just let today go. If there is stuff left over and you want to make sure you don't eat it, take it to work tomorrow to share or dump it in the garbage right now and throw some yucky trash on top of it. We think of doing something like that as "wasteful" but it is really more wasteful to eat it when we don't need it or to eat it and spend emotional energy punishing ourselves for it. The mantra for tonight is, "Let it go. Let it go. Let it go..." and I DON'T mean by taking a laxative!

It is being HEALTHY that is important. Some people can be healthy and still be "overweight" or even "obese" according to BMI. It is important to look at your entire health picture, however. Diabetes? High Blood pressure? High Cholesterol? Blocked arteries? Limited mobility? Low energy? No sexual desire? If your weight is affecting your health by contributing to symptoms/diseases, then it needs to be changed. That is why my weight is an important factor in my health... Even though by some standards I am considered morbidly obese my cholesterol is 140, probably because I eat mostly whole grains and very few trans fats. However, my blood glucose could be under much better control at a lower weight. remember to look at the big picture of your health and not one little item at a time. My chiropractor, whom I love, told me not to make any changes that I cannot make for my entire lifetime. For me, I could NEVER say, "I will never eat french fries again." I CAN say, "I will limit fries to once a week, in a controlled portion." Tonight was french fry night and they were covered in melted cheddar and bacon bits - DELISH! I just know it won't happen again for a while...

And I am losing weight. It's not 3, 5 , 7, 10 pounds a week like on "The Biggest Loser." It's a quarter of a pound a half a pound, little tiny bits at a time. Sometimes it's unmeasurable because of my edema and I don't know what is water and what is really fat, but I am going to just keep trying my little bits at a time.

A week, a week, a week!

I haven't gone swimming since last Wednesday! I was comfortably up to 2100 meters. The goal is to add 100 meters per week until I am at 2400 meters by the end of May. I feel like everything has gone haywire. I finally had the car repaired. I had another special project at work, Last Monday I was so sick I only worked until about 2:30 and then left for the rest of the day - pukey/bad stomach again. We also started another special sales project and I work really hard on those. I got a late start because of being sick Monday, and also knew I was going on vacation this week and would miss time selling on the final deadline day (Monday) and would also have to trust somebody else to cover for me and proof my ads before printing... all really, really difficult things.

So Friday - I didn't swim because I went on a GREAT Girls' Night Out, which was probably just as important - we had dinner and then shopped a little and then all went to Michael's gig. Saturday I can't remember why except maybe I was just in ultimate amounts of pain from too much sitting on Friday. Sunday I planned to go, but I went to work and cleaned off my desk and did everything I could to finish the paperwork for my sales, and then made a list for my manager of what needed to still be done. Michael and I went out to dinner after that and I ate an entire plate of food, which I don't DO anymore. So of course then I came home and spent a lot of time reading "Dune" - multi-tasking, if you get the drift...

Then this yesterday and today I have been a wreck, crying all the time, sleeping eating wrong things at the wrong time. I think part of it is hormonal. (If any men are reading this you need to understand that you are NEVER, EVER allowed to suggest this possibility to a woman. ONLY women are allowed to introduce the idea that our behavior and reactions may be influenced by hormones). I have been crying frequently and all I want to do is lie on the futon and watch episode after episode of Glee and The Office.

Today I even made a list that included swimming and going to get my Driver's License changed and other practical things to get me out of the house - nope.

I had thought Michael and I would actually go somewhere, maybe somewhere NICE on this vacation. I really want to go to Taliesin, in Wisconsin and go on the big tour. It turned out, however that once I sat down at the computer and actually paid the house payment, telephone and student loan (I don't want to talk about why I still have a student loan), that there is no "extra" money, yea verily, hardly enough money. SO, we are going to go to Lafayette Thursday and visit Mom and Dad. We will drive back to Indianapolis in the evening and take Mom with us and go see my sister's choir spring show. We'll abandon Mom in Indy and leave her to her own devices to get back to Lafayette. That may be the highlight of our big vacation!

I burned my finger last night and it hurts badly. My feet are swollen again (the swimming has helped - I think this recurrence is proof), and I have been living on painkillers for a couple of days. I probably ought to be taking anti-anxiety drugs as well, but have refrained so far, except at bedtime.

Tomorrow I hope to have a tear-free day, an exercise day, a get something done day, a NOT three bowls of ice cream day. Wish me strength and peace as I strive to make the choices I know are correct.

Confession

I just ate two pieces of SUPREME pizza and three bread sticks and dip while watching "The Biggest Loser." I'm pretty sure it is emotional eating - pure rebellion. One of the first things I did after Michael moved out was ordered a pizza with meat. Tonight when I was REALLY hungry I felt almost panicked like, "I need to get pizza with meat before Michael moves back in!" The funny thing is that REALLY the bread sticks and cheese are my favorite part! I really don't care what kind of pizza he gets, as long as I get bread sticks. So why do I feel so stinking rebellious?

H Two, Oh, Oh, Oh!

As in, I've been swimming. I started in March but only went once or twice. The first time I swam in April was on the 4th and I did 1600 meters. Part of that was kicking because my lungs needed a little break. By the 13th I had worked up to 2000 meters, and much less of it was kicking. I decided to stick with 2000 through the end of the month rather than try to increase the length. I still want to make sure not to do any further damage to my knee. My general pattern in the beginning was to breast stroke 75 meters, then freestyle (crawl) 25, repeat... I have gradually increased the amount of freestyle. It is more difficult for me aerobically, so I want to keep working on it to increase my cardiovascular health. Today I did the 75/25 for the first 1000 meters, then 25/25 for 900 meters, then the last 100 meters did the 75/25 again. No kicking involved, straight swimming only. I plan to add 100 meters a week through May so to be at 2400 meters a session by the end of May. A couple of weeks in April I have only gone twice during the week. I would like my frequency to increase to at least three or four times weekly. I'd also like to get some weight resistance exercise in a couple of times a week. May maybe a little difficult for that because I am taking a week's vacation (woot!), but I think I have found a campground with some flat, easy trails that I hope to be able to do without making the knee too sore.

I know I have lost some more weight in April. My morning weights are usually under 200 and it has been as low as 196. My leg started swelling again last week, however, so now I don't know what my true weight is.

Here are the blood glucose numbers:
March: April:
Lowest AM: 103 Lowest AM: 108
Highest AM: 157 Highest AM: 148
Average AM: 133 Average AM: 123
Lowest: 94 Lowest: 92
Highest: 197 Highest: 187
Overall Average: 133 Overall average: 131
# of times tested: 55 # of times tested: 57

I feel like the important points on the numbers are that the average AM has decreased, the highest (at least tested highest) has decreased, and the overall average has decreased - even though it's only a couple of points.

I am still having a lot of trouble with insomnia - note that I began this post at 4am something... and that I had only slept a couple of hours prior to that. I've taken some lovely medicine that ought to put me back to sleep soon. Because tomorrow is Sunday, I ought to be okay with that, except I have a cheesecake to finish topping, box and deliver, and I'd like to swim again. I didn't expect insomnia because yesterday I worked on the housecleaning, put away all the extra dishes from Easter, did three loads of laundry, swam 2000 meters, made a trip to the grocery, cleaned out the car, baked a cheesecake... a pretty active day so that's kind of frustrating! I will try, once I get up - I hope I get a few hours sleep now - to stay active all day. I hope to be able to go to bed at a "normal" (for me) time, and get at least five or six hours before it's back to work. I swear sitting at a desk and pretending to be nice all day is more exhausting than all the stuff I did today! So - a drink of water and then back to bed and we will see what happens!

Goodnight!