Hi, My name is Hope and I'm a Fataholic.

This is me, April 25, 2011. I decided if all those people on The Biggest Loser can go on national TV and show their fat to the world, so can I. Everybody knows it's there, even if it is usually hidden beneath clothes! I am just under 200 pounds right now. My highest weight ever has been 234. A few years ago I felt really good around 180 - that was the year I hiked to the top of Mt. Timpanogos, although I just barely made it. A number I keep in my head for weight is always 150. I don't really care if that is exactly where I get. I just need to be able to walk without pain, work without pain, not take a gazillion kinds of medicine, be able to sleep an appropriate amount and feel good about myself. If that happens at 180 again, fine. If I find I really need to keep going I will. I think I will know when I get there.

"Hi, Hope!" the group replies.

I've decided to begin a new blog where my sole issue will be fat, weight, obesity, chubby, spare tires, plump, fluffy, heavy, and all things associated with it; meaning physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and other aspects that I decide are relevant... This will be pretty much a private blog. If you are here, it is because I told you about it. That means I think you might be interested either just because you love me and care about the issues I face or maybe because I know or suspect you have similar issues with health, weight, and as above, all things relevant. I don't need it to be so private that you don't tell anybody. If you know a person who might be interested, please feel free to tell them and give the address with one MAJOR exception. I do not want my mother to know. So this is one of my first emotional issues I will address briefly.

I am hesitant for my mother to know my honest feelings about my fat. One reason is because I do blame my parents, our family situation and just stuff that happened for my addiction to fat. A second reason is because she still pesters me about my weight and I am angry, like Edward in Pretty Woman, "It took me twenty thousand dollars worth of therapy to learn to say that; 'I am ANGRY with my father.'" It wasn't twenty thousand dollars for me, but probably several thousand, and a long string of in and out with different therapists over the years.

Why "Fataholic?" Why not chocoholic, or foodaholic or watching TVaholic or Big Macaholic (Mmmm, Big Mac!)? All those things are probably part of it - well maybe Facebookaholic more than TV these days. Because honestly, no matter how many times I may have joked about those sorts of things (mostly chocolate), they are not true. It's four months after Christmas and I still have Christmas chocolate sitting in open dishes around my house. I've made dozens of truffles in the past week and really didn't eat any until yesterday and STILL haven't tasted the mocha, the mint or the butter rum! If I had made peanut butter truffles I probably would have eaten more, but NOT because I'm addicted, just because I like them and would have chosen to eat them. I say Fataholic because somewhere deep inside of me every aspect of my being in all the realms I named above seeks to be fat. I have incredible knowledge about nutrition, exercise, food value and the importance of physical movement in life and the quest for good health. EVERY DAY, however, I make choices that continue to make me either stay fat or get fatter. It's time to explore why. I am choosing to do it not in therapy with a counselor this time, but in the way that I am able to be the most honest and revealing - writing.

Ironically, or maybe not ironically, maybe it makes the most sense, I am choosing this when I am in a current trend of resurrecting my health, a return to activity, a desire to control my chronic pain and my diabetes, and a desire to use my knowledge of nutrition and the importance of whole foods to my own advantage. I don't want to be fat. If I were really in a twelve step program (and there is one called "Overeaters Anonymous") I would have to admit that I am a Fataholic and have no control, that I have to give that up to a "Higher Power." Although I have coined a word (or maybe not), with the -aholic suffix, I don't really feel that twelve steps is right for me. Who knows? Maybe I will discover that it really is. Maybe I will invent my own steps. Maybe there will NO steps. Whatever the realizations and the methods turn out to be. I want for myself physical health, emotional and mental health and a sense of well-being and security and BALANCE (I think that will be a key word for me!) in all things.

I may post about nutrition one day. I may post my weight some days. I may log my foods some days. I may talk about illness or disease and pain management. I may whine if I don't feel well. I may celebrate if I achieve a goal. I may complain about people. I don't have a plan for this, except to let it evolve as it feels right. Welcome to evolution in the works!

One more thing tonight. Why do I say "fat?" why not one of those cutesy words above? My least favorite cutesy word is "Fluffy" - makes me want to puke! "Overweight" is my least favorite probably-politcally-correct word. Over what weight? The weight with the perfect BMI? Over regular and not plus size clothing weight? Over fashion model acceptable weight? FAT is a description. OVERWEIGHT is a judgment!

I hope to write often. It probably won't be daily. I do still want to keep my other blog about other issues. I still want to play Scrabble and Lexulous. Shyly admitting I still want to play Bejeweled! I still want to watch endless episodes of The Office and then maybe watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer all over again. And dammit, if I didn't have to work that damn job and pay all these crazy bills maybe I'd have more time for all of that!

Also, feel free to comment. I LURVE comments on anything I write. If you disagree, if you want to tell a story of your own, if you want to shout, "hear! hear!" if you want to tell me I am incorrect on a nutrition or exercise fact, if you want to point out an article - GO FOR IT! It can only help me grow and learn and love and feel loved, and that's what this is all about.